wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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