toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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