I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
