I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
