did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
