Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
