i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did you pee in the oven last night??
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
