I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
