if i can run in heels then i can drive
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
