Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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