I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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