I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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