I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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