So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
and she was petting her beer can
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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