Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
