yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
