I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
