I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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