Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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