Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
