I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
