I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
