dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
