I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
