I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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