Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
