I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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