we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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