Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
