Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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