my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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