Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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