I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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