I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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