His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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