when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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