it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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