Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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