My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
