Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
