I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
