i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
