Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
