dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He passed out mid-signature
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
