everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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