if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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