just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
