Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
