i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
