...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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