I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
