So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
